I was laying on my bed in a fetal position; my tears spent. I felt things could never get better because of all the lies being told about me, and those I loved believed them. Worse still, this was a problem I’d helped create. I was desperately depressed and I felt guilty, angry and SAD.
I found myself thinking about suicide. That would show them, I thought.
I contemplated ways I could die, but each idea met with the fear that my attempt would backfire, leaving me maimed, ill, or paralyzed. Paralyzed?
I couldn’t think of any other options. I stared into space, breathing shallow. My mind was fuzzy, befuddled, but in a desperate last effort I whispered to GOD.
Please GOD, What is the point here? I can’t face this. I can’t do this anymore. Bring me home. I love you, I need you, I’ve blown it so badly You might not want me anymore, but I am asking You to come near to me and help me. Please don’t leave me here alone. I don’t want to be alone. I am not brave enough to commit suicide. No one on earth cares about me any more. Can’t I just come home now?”
As I lay there wishing for Him to let me die, the oddest thing happened. A scripture I hadn’t thought of in years began running through my head; Joshua 1:5:
No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Then came Isaiah 43:1-4
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine…
In that moment, I had the oddest sensation that I was being cradled in someone’s lap. I began to think, I am NOT thinking about suicide anymore. I will not let them win. I will just hold my head up and teach them that I am not that easily killed. I had no idea where the new courage came from. I still dreaded facing what was ahead, but a glimmer of hope began to burn and where there is hope, there is a way.
And now 26 years later, I am so thankful GOD didn’t grant my request to die.
If you are thinking about suicide, and you don’t go through with it, I suspect in a few years, months, or even days, you’ll be grateful to be alive too.
If you are thinking about suicide check out this video of a great song that JESUS often calls to my mind at the very moment I need it most.
In my distress I called upon the LORD, And cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, And my cry for help before Him came into His ears. Psalm 18:6.