He Doesn’t Love me Anymore; I Want to Die

By Linda Rooks:

Does life offer hope when the one you loves leaves?  Or do you think, “I want to die?”

Linda Rooks, author of Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation shares thoughts on remaining hopeful:

 

 “I don’t love you anymore and I’m leaving.  I want a divorce.”

These words or a variation stun spouses and break hearts every year on a regular basis.  Seldom is a spouse prepared for the suddenness of these words or the devastating ramifications they bring to their lives.

In my ministry to those in broken marriages, I hear this story on a regular basis from women and men who are reeling in pain when they suddenly face the prospect of divorce or separation.  The pain is so great they can’t imagine living with it.  When they hear their spouse say they are leaving and that she or he “doesn’t love me anymore”, they just want to die.

As frightening as these words are, however, there is still hope that things can turn around.  But the way a person handles the situation can make the difference in the outcome.  While no one can promise the marriage will be restored, reconciliation is possible when the following steps are applied.

  • Realize that feelings can change.  In marriage classes we now teach, my husband drives that point home almost every week.  And he knows firsthand—because many years ago he was one of those spouses who left and questioned his feelings of love for me.  After three years of separation, we reconciled with a stronger and healthier marriage.  Feelings fluctuate, and what your spouse feels right now may be very different six months from now.  According to recent scientific studies of the brain, that “in love” feeling is considered a very temporary state that lasts anywhere from 3 months to 36 months.
  • How you react to your spouse at this point is important.  If he or she leaves, give them space.  If they pull away and you chase after them, they will pull away even more.  Of course you want answers, but at this point you probably won’t be able to get them.  But with a little space, he or she may see things more clearly. This means, don’t call, e-mail or text.  Let them clear their head.
  • Give it time.  It may feel hopeless, but things can actually turn around. The problems that led up to this have probably taken a long time to develop, and it will take time for them to heal.
  • Find friends that encourage you, not ones who immediately suggest you file for divorce.
  • Don’t let the person who has left you define who you are.  You are a precious child of God.  God loves you and created you to be the unique person that you are.  He has a purpose and plan for your life.
  • Because it’s so easy to become obsessed with what is happening, take your focus off your spouse and your circumstances and focus on God.  Spend time reading the Bible and listening to Christian speakers.  Pick out Christian books to read.  Immerse yourself in the things of God.

If your spouse said, “I don’t love you anymore” and you want to die, grab onto the Lord and let Him wrap you in His love.  God is a God of hope, and He has good things for you in the future.  If you feel discouraged and need to see a more tangible example of hope, here’s a TV interview I did on this very subject.  In this interview ( starting at about the 4:40 minute mark) I tell a little of my own story and share more about the hope that is possible when your spouse says, “I don’t love you anymore,” and you feel you just want to die. Even though your spouse may have said, “I don’t love you anymore,” there is still hope that those feelings can change.

Here’s video that may help:  http://vimeo.com/44472548

 

Hope When Marriage Separation Made Me Think: I Want to Die

By Linda W. Rooks:

Hope for those who feel suicidal after a marriage separation.

When my marriage fell apart, I felt like an old shoe thrown in the trash, unwanted by the person who was supposed to love me the most.  The man who chose me as his wife no longer wanted me.

Often I sat before the TV and saw sad stories of someone dying of cancer or someone who’d been killed in a car crash whose loved ones were in mourning.   Why couldn’t that be me?  I’d think.  They want to live, and I want to die. They’re dying and I’m alive. It doesn’t seem fair.  My marriage separation was just too painful.

And then I’d cry out, “God, why don’t you just let me die?”

I felt like part of the living dead.  My depression was so deep and the pain was so real, I felt like I was being ripped in two.

A few weeks into our separation, the typically unassertive woman who cut my hair, heard my story and challenged me with great passion not to let my husband get the best of me.  “Focus on God,” she said.  “Think about what God wants you to do, and think about your kids and what’s best for them.”

After our conversation, her words rang in my ears for the next few days. As I focused on what she’d said, I experienced a supernatural peace.  I felt somehow suspended above the circumstances of my marriage separation for a time.  And I began to take steps to get beyond my depression.

I typed scriptures and hung them up around the house—on my mirror, on my refrigerator, on the walls—so that everywhere I looked, God’s Word could encourage me.  I turned on my radio or TV and listened to Christian teachers as often as possible.  Throughout the day I listened to praise songs to lift me up emotionally.  I did everything I could to fill my mind with positive thoughts about God. These things helped me get through each day of my marriage separation until I finally began to experience God’s peace on a more regular basis.

My husband and I were separated for three years.  After God did His work in our lives, we reconciled and got back together.

It was a painful time, but today we have a strong, happy marriage, and I’m so thankful God didn’t grant my desperate cry when I told him that because of my marriage separation, “I want to die”.  Now I have experienced the truth of Psalm 30:5:

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

While the length of your anguish might not last for a literal night and day, your pain will come to an end in God’s timing when you place it in God’s hands and allow Him to work in your life.

I’m so thankful God didn’t grant my desperate cry when I told him I wanted to die in the midst of those difficult three years. If you are suffering through a marriage separation, I invite you to visit my website at brokenheartonhold.com.  There you can find scriptures to download and suggested praise music to salve your spirit, along with many other helps.