He Doesn’t Love me Anymore; I Want to Die

By Linda Rooks:

Does life offer hope when the one you loves leaves?  Or do you think, “I want to die?”

Linda Rooks, author of Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation shares thoughts on remaining hopeful:

 

 “I don’t love you anymore and I’m leaving.  I want a divorce.”

These words or a variation stun spouses and break hearts every year on a regular basis.  Seldom is a spouse prepared for the suddenness of these words or the devastating ramifications they bring to their lives.

In my ministry to those in broken marriages, I hear this story on a regular basis from women and men who are reeling in pain when they suddenly face the prospect of divorce or separation.  The pain is so great they can’t imagine living with it.  When they hear their spouse say they are leaving and that she or he “doesn’t love me anymore”, they just want to die.

As frightening as these words are, however, there is still hope that things can turn around.  But the way a person handles the situation can make the difference in the outcome.  While no one can promise the marriage will be restored, reconciliation is possible when the following steps are applied.

  • Realize that feelings can change.  In marriage classes we now teach, my husband drives that point home almost every week.  And he knows firsthand—because many years ago he was one of those spouses who left and questioned his feelings of love for me.  After three years of separation, we reconciled with a stronger and healthier marriage.  Feelings fluctuate, and what your spouse feels right now may be very different six months from now.  According to recent scientific studies of the brain, that “in love” feeling is considered a very temporary state that lasts anywhere from 3 months to 36 months.
  • How you react to your spouse at this point is important.  If he or she leaves, give them space.  If they pull away and you chase after them, they will pull away even more.  Of course you want answers, but at this point you probably won’t be able to get them.  But with a little space, he or she may see things more clearly. This means, don’t call, e-mail or text.  Let them clear their head.
  • Give it time.  It may feel hopeless, but things can actually turn around. The problems that led up to this have probably taken a long time to develop, and it will take time for them to heal.
  • Find friends that encourage you, not ones who immediately suggest you file for divorce.
  • Don’t let the person who has left you define who you are.  You are a precious child of God.  God loves you and created you to be the unique person that you are.  He has a purpose and plan for your life.
  • Because it’s so easy to become obsessed with what is happening, take your focus off your spouse and your circumstances and focus on God.  Spend time reading the Bible and listening to Christian speakers.  Pick out Christian books to read.  Immerse yourself in the things of God.

If your spouse said, “I don’t love you anymore” and you want to die, grab onto the Lord and let Him wrap you in His love.  God is a God of hope, and He has good things for you in the future.  If you feel discouraged and need to see a more tangible example of hope, here’s a TV interview I did on this very subject.  In this interview ( starting at about the 4:40 minute mark) I tell a little of my own story and share more about the hope that is possible when your spouse says, “I don’t love you anymore,” and you feel you just want to die. Even though your spouse may have said, “I don’t love you anymore,” there is still hope that those feelings can change.

Here’s video that may help:  http://vimeo.com/44472548

 

God Help Me with My Marriage Problems

By Linda W. Rooks:

All day my heart had been racing uncontrollably and my breathing was shallow.  Fear had entangled me in its web as I fought to understand what was happening with my marriage problems.

All I could say to God was, “Please, God, let me die. I can’t bear this pain.” Then I realized I was sinking deeper and deeper into the mire, and I cried out, “God help me. You can take me home if you want, but save me out of this pit.”

With my body limp from depression, but my sense of duty calling me to fulfill the job I had for the evening, I got in the car and headed for the superstore to buy some supplies for the meeting that night.

As I drove into the parking lot and wound between the lanes of cars, I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of despair that had been pulling me under for the past two days.  I could scarcely breathe.

“Linda, Linda, Linda . . . don’t do this to yourself.  Linda.” A voice was calling to me, an inner voice that repeated my name over and over. I heard the words clearly in my head.  “Linda, I love you. You are precious to me. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Although it was not an inaudible voice, I recognized it nonetheless. The focus of my thoughts lifted from the pit and disengaged from the pain inside. I raised my eyes to something higher, something bigger. A flood of peace poured through me. God was calling out to me. No, I couldn’t depend on the love of my husband right then, not with our marriage problems, but I could depend on a love that was stronger, a love that would not let me go.

The Creator of Heaven and Earth cared about me. He was walking beside me and calling my name, even in the midst of my marriage troubles. My eyes had been so focused on my pain, so lost in the mire, that I couldn’t see Him. But now, as I heard him calling out to me, I knew He had not left me. I was not alone, and I would be alright. The words of the 23rd Psalm streamed into my head:

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me.”

Whether I could see Him or not, I knew God had been there all along and would continue to walk beside me while I dealt with my marriage problems. If you are also having marriage problems, know that God’s message for me that difficult night is also for you. Take a deep breath, and know that he will get you through your difficulties, just as he did for me.

If you are wondering if prayer could help your marriage problems, watch prayer author Stormie Omartian address this very subject:

 

 

A Successful Suicide Prevention Story

By Jeenie Gordon:

As a therapist, on occasion, God has granted me the opportunity to successfully practice suicide prevention through office visits or phone calls. Here is one such story.

He was in his late 20s, good-looking enough to be a movie star. Intelligent, with a vibrant personality, he could capture a heart in a minute—but his world fell apart.

Aaron stumbled into my counseling office, and tears cascaded down his sculptured face like a giant waterfall. Slumping on the sofa, between sobs, he told me his story of pain. I listened carefully.

Married a few short years to his beautiful dream girl, he thought life was blissful—until today.

“Angela wants out of our marriage. Her bags are packed, and she is ready to walk out of the door and out of my life forever.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Aaron. Tell me what happened.”

“Angela was swept off her feet by an older, married man at work. The more she spoke of his amazing attributes, the more my heart disintegrated. That’s why I decided to seek counseling.”

During the next few weeks, I was supportive and caring toward this broken man. Returning home late one evening, I had numerous messages from him.

“Jeenie, I need you. Please pick up. Jeenie, I can’t stand the pain, and I’m going to end it.”

With a loaded gun and a broken heart, he called for help. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest as I dialed his number.

“Please, God,” I prayed. “Let him still be alive.”

Thankfully, he answered, and I was able to talk him through the night, preventing his suicide.

Years later, Aaron remarried a wonderful Christian woman, had children, and today is involved in ministry to others in despair.

Not all stories turn out as well as Aaron’s. The dark well of emotion surrounds many people in marital trauma as they sink into a pit of deep muck, unable to climb out. Often they do not possess enough strength to grab onto a lifesaving hope of suicide prevention.

You can search a directory of Christian counselors through the National Christian Counselors Association at http://www.ncca.org/Directory/. Even though suicidal people need professional help, do not underestimate the listening ears, encouraging words, and love of family and friends for they may also help in suicide prevention.

This excerpt was taken from Too Soon to Say Goodbye: Healing and Hope for Suicide Victims and Survivors and used with permission by New Hope Publishers.

Here’s a video from Linda Rooks on Huntly Street about restoring a broken marriage: