Suicide as a Way Out of Domestic Abuse

When you’re in a relationship that involves domestic abuse — physical or emotional — suicide may seem your only way of escape.

 

 But there is hope and help.

 

Off the Map domestic violence

Jacquie Brown, author of the book, Off the Map: Follow me out of Domestic Abuse, certainly felt that way the day she ran to her bathroom after a violent confrontation with her husband. Her “crime”? Urging her husband not to drive his truck after drinking seven glasses of whiskey and cola in a few hours.

In Jacquie’s words:

He shoved me into the wall, yelled and called me disgusting names, criticized everything about me, searched for the words that would hurt me the most.

Fear gripped my being. My stomach tensed, and I huddled into myself, trying to disappear as tears flowed and I thought, Am I really those foul degrading words I hear him calling me? He’s right about my stupidity; I never learn. I’m always the catalyst for these explosions of torment. How do I solve it? How do I stop it? The agony and desolation is relentless. How do I escape?

Time seemed to stand still as a thought seeped into my mind. I knew a way to escape. I turned and race up the stairs to the washroom, locking the door behind me. I shouldn’t have run. Now he knows something is unusual. I hurried and swallowed several pills before he reached the door.

He yelled, “Open the door or I’ll kick it in!”

Jacquie came out of the bathroom and her husband got their two young children out of bed, and told the children “This I what happens if you try and kill yourself.” He then beat her.

After he left, Jacquie made her way to each of the children’s rooms and assured them she was okay. Afterwards, she wondered how she could ever have been so selfish as to think of leaving her children alone with their father. But of course, she wasn’t thinking clearly. She was just trying to find a way out of the constant fear and abuse. (p. 42-43)

Suicide lets the abuser win

While there may be times when suicide seems like the only way out of abuse, fortunately, Jacquie eventually found a much better way. And then she wrote a book in order to help others find their way out, and also to help friends, family, and others who want to help domestic abuse victims understand what’s going on in the mind of a person who is being abused.

Off the Map is written with alternating chapters, first giving us a glimpse into Jacquie’s life, then immediately following that with an explanation of what she calls the “underlying dynamics or aspects of domestic violence.”

In her introduction, Jacquie says: “Off the Map demystifies domestic violence. It brings to light how we are ensnared and why we stay trapped. It also reveals our self-destructive coping mechanisms and ultimately the way out of the dungeon to discover the treasure of life.” (p.xiii)
Jacquie also explains that all violence isn’t physical beatings. There are many other ways an abuser can hold someone captive.

The book has a number of helpful lists, including:

  • signs that you are in an abusive relationship
  • how abusers isolate their victims
  • different types of abusers
  • types of abuse
  • wrong beliefs of both the abusers and the abused
  • reasons why victims stay in the relationship
  • common coping mechanisms that lead to more difficulty
  • people and groups who will help abuse victims
  • practical steps to take to ensure safety when leaving

The book clearly explains how pretty well anyone could wind up being abused without necessarily realizing what is happening. Jacquie shows how abusers can mix kindness in with the abuse in a way that creates dependency and keeps the victim ambivalent about the abuser and unable to break free.

She also links long-term abuse to C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome). On page 93, Jacquie says, “A woman suffering in a relationship of domestic violence is similar to a soldier’s experience as a prisoner of war. Both undergo prolonged exposure to traumatic experiences and both can develop C-PTSD.” She then goes on to explain how chemicals in the brain (such as serotonin, dopamine, noradrenaline), are impacted, and how this can lead to a variety of negative things, including forgetfulness, depression, detachment, self-condemnation, loss of identity, hopelessness, etc.

Everyone needs to read this book

This book is specifically about domestic violence, and is invaluable for anyone wanting to understand that type of abuse. However, the implications of abuse go far beyond that to any long-term relationship where one person has power over another and could use it in abusive ways: either situations where one has direct power over another (e.g. a parent, teacher, coach, boss, pastor, doctor, counselor) or situations where a peer can exert power over another person (e.g. a co-worker, teammate, a sibling, close friend, roommate, classmate). Please check it out, especially if you:

  • suspect you might be in an abusive relationship
  • suspect someone you know might be in an abusive relationship, whether domestic or otherwise
  • suspect you might be an abuser
  • are in any way involved with people; pastors, teachers, psychologists, counselors, doctors, nurses, politicians, managers, parents, etc.

Click to visit Jacquie Brown’s website and for information about her book Off the Map: Follow Me Out of Domestic Violence 

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Comments

  1. My parents my ex they all want me dead or they would have stopped. Suicide is the only way out. It is the only thing that I can control. I feel the worst for my children but I have hope that I will be thier angel in heaven. I could not protect me or them here from my families abuse. I can forgive it and go Home now. Tried many times so far but have failed. Heart is set on it. mom tried to smother me. ex kept hurting me and teenage threatened to kill me herself. I have to get away somehow. Death is now my only option. I am taking it. Each day I wait for something to come along and change but it doesn’t. It never will. They won’t be happy until I am dead. There is no evidence to the contrary. I wanted to tell someone about my story. About how I tried for such a long time to live and despite my best efforts with out the children their is no reason. calling the police doesn’t work. asking for help doesn’t work. The system has failed. Suicide it’s the only way out. The only way! Pray for my soul and for my children.

    • ThinkingAboutSuicide.com says:

      Jodi, please, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or visit http://www.thehotline.org/ You can arrange to go to a shelter, where you can be safe. You may need to move to a new state to start anew. I will have others on our team also comment. I also changed your name in your comment so it did not contain your full name.

      We truly hope you will choose life. Suicide is not the only way out. Do not let your abusive family members win this! Praying for you today and asking others to do so also.

      Jesus Christ can give you a peace that is beyond understanding, and help you create a new plan for your life. If you do not know him personally, please visit http://www.GodTest.com and you will see how faith in Christ can lead to a whole new life for you.

      Please, please choose life! God has a plan for you–it may even be to help others someday in your circumstances like yours. A shelter can get you away from the abuse and help you think more clearly about ways to move on.

    • Jodi,
      Night turns to day, we know this is true. The sunrises everyday and we marvel at the beauty of sunsets. God does have a plan for your life. Abuse and depression have brought darkness into your life, but God is promising a new dawn. In a shelter their are people who will love you and help you regain your hope. Since I read your letter many prayers are being said for you at various churches and homes. I don’t know you personally, but I understand where you are emotionally. Suicide is a permanete act for a problem that is temporary. There is no denial that you are being abused and are suffering, and it is your longing to be free from the abuse that you most desire.
      I personally know that lives can be saved. I also know many people who walked on the edge of suicide and turned their lives around with counseling and God’s help. Their stories are in the book I co-authored on suicide. Too Soon to Say Goodbye: Healing and Hope for Victims and Survivors of Suicide. Call for help, Jodi. 1-800-784-2433 Suicide. We are praying for you.

  2. N.J. Lindquist says:

    J. K.,

    No one knows what you have gone through, and we don’t even try to pretend we do. But somehow you have to try to fight through your emotions and the voices that want you to give up.
    Even though suicide might seem like the only option, it’s never a good option. As long as you’re alive, there’s hope that the future can get better. Suicide is final. Please rethink your options, and choose life.

    As has been said, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or visit http://www.thehotline.org/

    Please arrange to go to a shelter, where you can be safe. And where you will be helped to make choices that can lead you to a better life.

    If you haven’t called out to God for help, please do so. He is stronger than anyone.

    NJ

  3. Dianne E. Butts says:

    Jodi, I want you to live. God wants you to live. There are a LOT more people out here who want you to live than who you think want you to die. We want you find a life that is good and fun and enjoyable and fulfilling. That is possible. Many of us have found it after we didn’t think it was possible.

    Don’t give up yet. Ask God to show you how to find the awesome life He has always wanted for you. We’re all rooting for you. Because we love you.

    Dianne

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  1. Suicide? says:

    […] NJ recently read my book and was struck with the concept of suicide as a means to escape domestic violence. You can read her blog at thinkingaboutsuicide.com. […]

  2. […] builds the brain connections that allows the brain to sooth itself. There are people like N. J. Lindquist that blogs regularly about suicide to help loved ones help loved ones. There are the front line […]

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