I Feel Worthless: A Suicidal Man Calls Upon God

By Karen Kosman:

 Here is one man’s story about how he went from feeling worthless to feeling hopeful and finding a new life.


I met Terry several years ago, as my husband and I were leaving our doctors office.  Terry worked in the same building as our doctor. He’d spotted the Christian symbol on our car. As he approached us he smiled and said, “I’m a Christian, too.”

Today, I believe meeting Terry was a divine appointment.  I shared with Terry about being a Christian writer, and that I was working on a book about suicide. He smiled and asked, “Can you wait? I want to give you something I wrote.”

We waited as he went to his office and brought back his personal story about depression.


Terry’s story:

As I climbed into my car I thought, I can’t deal with life anymore. When I drove towards the freeway, memories of my heart attack flooded my mind. I glanced out the window at the slow moving traffic. I glanced up at the dark storm clouds overhead and spiraled down even deeper into my depression. I thought, I have no future. The only answer is to end it all. It’s two in the afternoon. My wife and daughter aren’t home yet. I’ll hook up our 18-foot travel trailer and split for some secluded spot in the desert.

After my heart attack, I’d lost my position as senior lieutenant assistant chief of police. I’d worked hard, and had been selected as one of the “top ten cops, in the entire US. One position away from being at the top of my chosen profession, it all came to an end. I felt worthless as a man. I dabbled in several areas of employment, for a while I worked as a private investigator. Soon I learned that being a PI didn’t come close to the satisfaction of being a cop. I began to drink to numb the pain.

I went to polygraph school and became a lie detector technician. However, changes in the polygraph profession severely cut back business. Bills became overdue, including a foreclosure notice on our home.  I felt worthless as a man. My family would be better off without me.

Suddenly, another memory flooded my mind; at work I’d overheard two of my co-workers discussing something about the Bible. Curious, I walked out of my office and joined them.

Steve asked, “Terry, do you know Jesus?”

“I’ve never been real religious.”

“Terry, it’s not about religion, it’s a personal relationship with the Son of God, replied Tom.”

Tears streamed down my face as those memories faded. As deep emotions surfaced I burst into uncontrollable sobs. I cried God I need you. I’ve blown it. I can’t go another step without You!”

In that moment something happened—something real—something I’ll never forget.  Just when I thought I’d go over the edge, a tangible calm came over me. Inside my car the air became comfortably warm and cozy: I felt my heavy burdens begin to lift. For the first time in more than two years, my fear vanished. I felt at peace. Within seconds I understood, “God you’re real!”

With my heart screaming for forgiveness, I cried, “God,  I surrender my life to You.”

I share my story in the hope that my experience will reach others who have given up on life and who need God in their lives. Eighteen years have passed and I don’t regret one single moment of my life in Jesus. You won’t either.

Here’s an encouraging verse for you:

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. (Jeremiah 33:3, NIV Bible)

Are you feeling worthless, yourself? God created you for a purpose and loves you. You are of great value to Him.

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If depressed and suicidal, get help by dialing the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline. IF IN IMMEDIATE DANGER of harming yourself or someone else, please call 911.1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or (in Spanish)
1-877-SUICIDA (1-877-784-2432).
Our blog, Thinking About Suicide, offers personal stories and prayers from those who have overcome the urge to commit suicide or lost someone to suicide. We also list resources related to depression, bullying, cutting and other mental health related topics or news.
Use our SEARCH box at the top of the page to find articles on specific topics. Our authors hope to encourage you and remind you that others in situations like yours have found hope and help. We hope and pray you do too. However, we also encourage you to get local help if you are suicidal: call a counselor or the suicide prevention hotline to connect personally with someone who can help you.

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