This story is an excerpt from Too Soon to Say Goodbye: Healing and Hope for Suicide Victims and Survivors, used with permission by New Hope Publishers.

Nancy Palmer on child suicide loss, her adult son’s depression and suicide, and how God helps her cope:

Image by Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

  I belong to a club no one wants to join. Its membership is too costly—the death of a child.

I closed my journal after writing these words. My mind reflected once more on that day my life changed forever.

My 30-year-old son, Jason, had been living with us for several months. We’d had an argument. I knew he suffered from depression. Finally, I had confronted him and pleaded. “Jason, no one loves you as much as I do. Please get help!”

“I don’t need help! I’m outta here!” he shouted as he stomped off to his room to pack.

Jason had become skillful at hiding his inner turmoil from friends and family, but I knew all the signs of Jason’s depression. He had struggled on and off most of his life. The intensity of his emotional state this time frightened me. No matter how much my husband, Bill, our sons Bill and Geoffrey, and I cared; we could not control Jason’s choices. He needed professional help, and he had to be the one willing to seek it.

A Christian psychologist had provided me with a list of therapists that Jason could see, but he refused. Jason was separated from his son, and his son’s mother. She didn’t know how to deal with Jason’s depression and had left him. Jason’s 3 -year-old, autistic son certainly needed his daddy. I hoped and prayed that his son would be the reason Jason might change his mind and seek help.

Wandering into Jason’s room after he left, I felt shocked to find his most cherished belongings—items he’d never left behind before. I tried to convince myself that he’d be back, that he’d announce, “Mom, I am ready to seek help.”

The insistent ringing of the doorbell finally broke through my resolve not to answer the door. A chill ran down my spine as I faced a man I did not know. Suddenly, my eyes fell on Jason’s driver’s license attached to the stranger’s clipboard. My heart sank, and I knew even before he asked the question, “Mrs. Palmer, do you know a Jason Palmer?”

“Yes, he’s my son.”

“We have some bad news. May we come in to speak with you?”

Inside my mind agonized. Noooo! Just go away!

With no way of erasing the dreaded news, I invited the man and his female companion inside.

“This morning a woman heard a noise. When she investigated, she found Jason’s body in a park. He shot himself.”

I went into shock and felt strangely detached. I heard a hysterical woman crying, “Not my baby, not my son. Oh, Jason, Why? Why would you leave loved ones? Why would you leave your son?”

Suddenly I realized the hysterical woman was me. Reality hit. Jason would not be coming home.

Today I still don’t have an answer to my question, “Why?” Yet I have found a renewal of hope by volunteering for a ministry on suicide prevention. This gives me a reason to keep going. I work with the knowledge that we cannot stop all suicides, but saving just one life is worth the effort. I speak whenever I can to tell young people about mental illness and that it’s OK to ask for help.

Am I still grieving?

Absolutely! Some days I wonder how I can go on. I miss Jason so much.

Yet God walks with me in my grief. My family and friends work with me in an untied effort to reach out and help others. And although none of us has found an answer to our “Why?”— we see God making a difference.

Have you suffered a similar loss? Find more articles here on Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. You also might be helped by visiting this site: Love Truth: Hope After Suicide.

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Do you have a burden of debt that feels overwhelming?

Image: Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

About thirty years ago I sat in a meeting one Sunday afternoon with a group of people trying to figure out what to do about their financial debt and the trouble it was causing themselves and the people they loved.

One young woman about twenty-five years of age admitted to an amount of credit card debt that was greater than her annual salary. When it was her turn to share she took a deep breath and said with a tremor in her voice, “If I can’t control this habit then I’ll just commit suicide and I won’t have to think about money anymore.”

Heads turned and whispers rippled through the room. When debt drives one’s thoughts to suicide, that’s pretty bad, I thought. Could it happen to me?

I left the meeting that day shaken to the core and committed to getting my own debt under control. In my case it meant finding a way to earn more so I wouldn’t rely on credit cards to carry me from one month to the next when I ran short.

I applied for a part-time teaching position and won the job. Within months I had eliminated my small debt and was on my way to living debt-free. I don’t know what happened to the woman I mentioned. She dropped out of our group and I never saw her again. But her words of despair certainly got my attention and changed the way I earned and managed my own finances.

Over the months and years following that somber day I learned what the Bible has to say about money and the principles have guided me ever since:

Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed. Owe no one anything, except to love each other . . . (Romans 13: 7:8)

. . . the borrower is the slave of the lender (Proverbs 22:7).

With God on your side you cannot miss. The Lord says:

“So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows” (Matthew 10:31 in the Bible).

Ask for his help and you will receive it. He will guide you to classes, books, and support groups so you too can manage your finances responsibly and live free of debt.

Take a look at this YouTube video with Joyce Meyer on living debt-free:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ie8EUzKIMOY

Also Dave Ramsey suggests reducing your burden of debt using the Debt Snowball idea: eliminate your smallest debt first, so you feel some measure of success right off and stick with a plan to eventually get rid of all your debts.

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Do you know that seeking wisdom can make a huge difference in how you see hope for the future?

Over a lifetime, anyone’s life, there are moments when one can feel desperate enough to even be thinking about suicide. There are so many things Satan uses to send a person to the brink of losing hope. And a life without hope is the one that may ponder suicide.

This is post is about Decision 2 in our series from The Traveler’s Gift. In the previous posts in this series, I promised to share with you the second decision a person can make to start getting their life to a place they want it to be. If you recall I encouraged you to get Andy Andrew’s book , The Traveler’s Gift and to start reading it.

If you are just now tuning in, here is a link where you can purchase the book on Amazon either new or used. It is also available at the library.

Decision number two for a person who wants their life to be of their choosing is:

I Will Seek Wisdom.

Are you seeking wisdom? There are many places to look for it. The most accurate place I have found wisdom is in the Bible. If you haven’t read it and even if you have, I cannot recommend it more profoundly. It changes my life nearly daily.

Listen to what the character in The Travelers Gift has to say about wisdom:

Knowing that wisdom waits to be gathered, I will actively search her out. My past can never be changed, but I can change the future by changing my actions today. I will change my actions today! I will train my eyes and ears to read and listen to books and recordings that bring about positive changes in my personal relationships and a greater understanding of my fellow man. No longer will I bombard my mind with materials that feed my doubts and fears. I will read and listen only to that which increases my belief in myself and my future. (Page 48, The Traveler’s Gift)

A person with courage recognizes that his future can be better and then takes steps to make that happen.

Courage is offered in Matthew 14 from Jesus himself. He says “take courage”. He offers it, but we must take Him up on His offer.

Another way to gather wisdom is to associate ourselves with people who are wise. Listen to another portion of this character’s explanation:

I will seek wisdom. I will choose my friends with care. I am who my friends are. I speak their language, and I wear their clothes. I share their opinions and their habits. From this moment forward, I will choose to associate with people whose lives and lifestyles I admire. If I associate with chickens, I will learn to scratch at the ground and squabble over crumbs. If I associate with eagles, I will learn to soar to great heights. I am an eagle. It is my destiny to fly. (Page 49, The Traveler’s Gift)

The decision to seek wisdom has several facets besides those mentioned here–be sure to see The Traveler’s Gift for more on how that can affect your future and hope.

See the video below to see and hear Mr. Andrews share a bit of his story, including recovering from homelessness and joblessness while also seeing God work through that. He focuses on how choices about the way you interact with others affects how they treat you and ultimately your future.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeP8AexYYZs

See our previous posts in our Is There Hope? series:

Is There Hope? Choosing New Beginnings

Is There Hope? The Buck Stops Here (Decision 1)

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Do you feel you are barely surviving?

Stop. Think for a moment about everything you’ve lived through, throughout your life. If you’re like the rest of the human race, you’ve no doubt survived your share of:

. . . bad decisions, failures, betrayal,  unfaithful friends, embarrassing moments, devastating moments, put downs, rejection, disappointment, loss, regrets,

. . . and more.

But the simple fact that you’re reading this right now means you’ve surviving!

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A lot of it hurt; perhaps a few almost did you in, but you survived. Some of the events taught you painful lessons, but you survived.  You learned who you can count on in life. And who you couldn’t. But you survived.

You may have gone down for the count a few times, but you still won because you got back up. You’re still here. You survived. Even if you’re not fully back up on your feet just yet, you’re in the process. You’re alive. You’re breathing.

Maybe you’re scarred just a bit. Perhaps a lot. But you’ve survived.

Our scars make those injured parts of us a little bit tougher. A little bit stronger. They make it more difficult for us to be injured in that exact same place the next time.

So embrace your scars. They’re proof the injury, or injuries, didn’t take you out. Even if a few of your wounds are still bleeding, stop and look at all the ones that have already healed. That should give you the assurance that this wound can heal, too.

Ask for help. Reach out to someone. There are resources listed on this site that are available 24-7. God is available 24-7 to comfort you and help you heal, too. You’ve already survived a lot. Now, you have a new wound that needs time and attention to heal, or an old one that needs a little more time to complete the healing process and to form its protective scar. Giving it that time makes sense, doesn’t it. Especially to a survivor like you.

Remind yourself that you are a survivor.  Not “could be one,” “might be one,” or “hope to be one.” You are one.

Don’t let anyone, including yourself, try to convince you that you’re not.

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Despite loving a suicidal parent dearly, one daughter saw her need to look out for her own mental health.

Stock Photo Image by David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Five years ago a young woman’s mother committed suicide. Prior to that, the mother had struggled with mental illness and addictions for many years.

From ages 14 to 17, the daughter looked after the mother without telling anyone what was going on at home. At the age of 17, the daughter made the very difficult decision to leave her home before she went down the same path as her mother. And shortly after that, she made some very wise decisions on how she would live her life, which she shares in this video.

Unfortunately, the mother could not or would not change.

To honour her mother, this year, the daughter swam 500 laps to raise money for mental health in her mother’s memory.

If you’re living in a situation that is going to destroy your life, if you feel burdened down from trying to help someone who shows no intention of really wanting to change, or if you feel guilty for not being able to help someone you love, please watch this video. The story beings at the 3-minute mark.

And if you identify with the mother, please seek help from those who are qualified to give it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejWMEPWqRHo

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Sometimes the rough road we are traveling  leaves us feeling as if we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Some even wonder if it’s worth the journey and consider suicide in their efforts to find relief.

Many a person has called out to God with anguished questions like:

Does my life matter?

Do You care about me?

Can You hear me?

What is the point?

Do I have a purpose for being here?

Is there a plan somewhere in this mess?

Why hasn’t God healed me?

Or restored my marriage?

How am I going to get through this?

Will I die alone?

Are you up there?

A rock and a hard place all right. If any of these questions sound like you, or you have another, let me share some great news.

If the rock you are stuck between happens to be the Rock of Ages, Jesus, you are safe. He has promised us to be with us no matter what. (See Joshua 1:5)  That means no matter what we have done, or what has been done to us, He will stick by us. All we need to do is ask Him.

In this world, you will have trouble. John 16:33

Jesus’ own words to us, but read on He continues.

But take heart! I have overcome the world.

So, when rotten stuff happens to us, instead of stomping our feet and saying Why me! Why now? I’m going to commit suicide. If we remember that bad things happen to everyone. No exceptions. Then we won’t feel so singled out and tortured.

Instead of thinking of ending it all and quitting, why not lift our eyes to the Rock? Why not pour out our pain at His feet and allow Him to work on our behalf? Why not ask Him to take the reins, and the weight off our shoulders?

We can give our burdens to Him and then hang on for dear life to The Rock?

If you are ready for some help from the One who can actually give it, here is a simple prayer you can pray to ask Jesus to take over and give you peace.

Jesus, I believe that You are God. I believe that you are all powerful. I know I have messed up and sinned against You. I am sorry. I want to give You control of my life and let You lead from now on. Thank You for loving me and saving me. Amen

If you prayed this prayer today (or ever) then relax. He’s got this one. You and I will still have burdens this side of heaven, only now we don’t have to carry them alone. We can lift our eyes to the One who will help.

Now, go for a walk to get some fresh air. Then watch Fernando Ortega sing this great old hymn to remind us both that being between a rock and a hard place isn’t a bad thing if that rock is The ROCK. Jesus Christ.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp6yT2rz0iA

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When someone loses a loved one to suicide, what do I say?

How can I be the hands of Jesus to comfort a friend who has suffered such a terrible loss?

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How to Comfort a Friend After a Suicide Loss

In times of deep grief, I have found that hope is more important than advice. Job said it this way,

“Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me? A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends,” (Job 6:12 – 14 NIV).

During those dark hours, Jesus calls us not to be experts, but to come alongside and provide enCOURAGEment.

“A friend sent flowers on that first sad Mother’s Day after my child died,” my Sunday school teacher said. “I felt loved and understood.”

Another grieving mother said,

“After the loss of my son, some people felt awkward when they saw me and turned away. I appreciated those who hugged me and said, ‘I’m praying for you.’”

Trusting God when we least understand is faith in action. Gentle comfort is given by those that put their arms around hurting people and say,

“I don’t understand either. But I love you and I am here to go through this with you.”

Romans 8:38-39 (NIV) promises, “I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

One man said,

“I was comforted by those who walked with me in the church parking lot, who sat with me so I wouldn’t be alone in my regular pew, and who invited me to lunch on an otherwise lonely weekend afternoon.”

Time doesn’t heal the wounds of someone who has had to say good-by to a loved one. Time merely teaches us to live with that oversized, gaping hole in our life and heart. We can walk beside another through the journey of grief.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NIV) says, “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

The first year after the loss of someone special is especially difficult. Holidays are a merciless reminder that life is forever altered. Comfort your grieving friend with flowers, a note, or a memorial gift in their loved one’s name on Valentines Day, Easter, Mother’s or Father’s Day, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Soothe the sorrow of the anniversary date that marks the loss with a phone call to say, “I’m remembering you today.”

Called to mirror Jesus Christ by being His hands to a hurting world, we help others by seeing and empathizing with their pain. God consoles us so we can show compassion to others.

For additional information on coming alongside someone experiencing loss and grief, read What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Say (Bethany House) and An Early Journey Home (Discovery House).

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When suicide seems like the only option, having someone walk with you through your struggles can give you hope for the future.

Many have been where you are now, survived, then thrived. Ask for help! Your struggles can also teach you how to encourage others.

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Seasons of famine in our lives can be caused by broken relationships, financial struggles, or by periods of severe stress. For my friend it was all three at the same time.

Here is his experience:

“Through my own poor behavior choices, I lost my job, my house, and my wife.  Going through that loss brought me to the brink of suicide. I didn’t see any other option. But my mother faithfully drove out to spend time with me every weekend for four months. She had little money but she always treated me to a meal, movie, or shopping trip. She sacrificed her own needs for mine. If it were not for my mom, I wouldn’t be here today. She was lifeline when I was drowning in despair. When I was thinking about suicide, she showed me how to live again.

“From her example, I learned to look for the signs of depression in others and give a little of my time to be with that person. Going through that dark tunnel of hopelessness is brighter when someone shares the journey.”

“When helping someone, it is more important to bring hope than to be an expert.” Pat Palau (Breast cancer survivor)

When suicide seems like the only option–you feel you have lost everything–all is NOT lost. You still have help you can give others, and you don’t know the future God has in store for you.  Don’t cut that short!

If you are feeling desperate, be sure to share that with someone who can walk you through your journey. Tell them you are currently not seeing hope at the end of the tunnel, and ask directly for prayer and encouragement. Don’t assume they will know how desperate you feel unless you tell them. They too may have been through very difficult times in the past and be able to encourage you. You can even share your own story in a comment here, and our volunteers will definitely pray for you and reply in additional comments here on this site.

See also:

New Normal: New Hope After Trials

A Successful Suicide Prevention Story

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Occasionally, a suicide note such as Angie’s in the following story is left. Sometimes, it is a last attempt for vengeance. It appears Angie had probably been jealous of her sister for years—jealous of her good grades and desire to earn a college education. The note caused Carol to drop out of college and to go into a deep depression. Only God’s intervention can explain how Carol put her life back together again.

This story was taken from Too Soon to Say Goodbye: Healing and Hope for Suicide Victims and Survivors and used with permission by New Hope Publishers.

Image by Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Choices

Wanda J. Burnside

In one of my college classes, a girl kept staring at me. I couldn’t help but notice how thin and fragile she looked. I tried to make eye contact with her, but she always turned away. After a while, I decided to ignore her so I sat on the other side of the room.

One day after class, she stepped in front of me. Clutching her stack of books close to her chest, she said, “Hi! I’m Carol.”

“Hi! I’m Wanda,” I replied.

She smiled, then looked away.            “

Hey, Wanda!” I heard someone call out, “Are you going to the student union with us for lunch?”

I turned to see a group of my friends from class motioning to me. “Yeah, I’m coming,” I answered.

“Go on,” said Carol. “Don’t let me stop you.”

“No. Please come with us. Let’s talk,” I said.

“Well, I don’t know…” she hesitated and then continued, “I usually…”

“Wanda, come on and bring your friend,” said Charles.

So we ran to catch up with the others. My friends accepted Carol, and from that day on, she went everywhere with us. She transformed from someone painfully shy to someone outgoing. Everybody saw the difference in her. Even the professors made comments about her budding personality.

One day, a group of us decided to walk to a new restaurant across the street from the campus. As we reached the parking lot, up drove a shiny red convertible. “Carol!” shouted a pretty girl with flowing hair. She got out of the car. “Carol!”

Carol stood frozen with a look of fear and sheer desperation on her face. Her hands began to shake. Her eyes filled with tears, and for several moments she remained silent.

The other girl wore colorful, tight-fitting clothes that clung to her curves. Plus she had a beautiful, flawless, complexion.              

“Carol! Today’s my birthday! Remember? My friends are coming over tonight, and you promised to decorate for my party! Why are you here? I told Mama you’d ruin everything for me. You, your good grades, and your school!” she yelled.

“This is my sister, Angie,” Carol softly said with tears rolling down her face. “Excuse me, everyone.” Then they got into the car and drove away.

“Carol never mentioned her sister,” Charles commented. “They’re so opposite.”                       

“Angie is a fox, and Carol’s so skinny!” Terry laughed.           

“Hey guys. Stop! Carol is our friend,” said Barbara.     

Two weeks passed, and Carol had not returned to school. Several of us tried to phone her, but no one could reach her. We all wondered what happened.

One evening while doing my homework at home, my mother called me to the phone.

I listened to a distraught voice. “I’m Carol’s mom. My daughter…she died. Life isn’t the same without my beautiful daughter,” she cried.

“Carol died?” I asked.

Another voice came on the phone. “Hello, Wanda.”

“Carol. Carol, is it you? What is going on?”

“My sister, Angie…she killed herself. She drove into our garage, rolled up the windows, and left the engine running. She also left a long letter—one that blamed me. Angie said I had everything—friends, good grades, and a boyfriend.”

I couldn’t believe it. Angie, dead?

Shortly after our phone conversation, Carol dropped out of school. We later learned she was hospitalized for depression. None of us knew what to do. Carol’s absence created a void in all our lives.

A year later, Carol called me. “Hi, Wanda, this is Carol.”

“Carol,” I hesitated, “how are you?”

“I’m fine. I’m living in California and attending college. I’m also engaged.”

“Carol, you sound happy. I’m so glad for you.” I continued, “We’ve all missed you.”

“Yeah, Wanda, I miss all of you, too. You know, I turned to God. My sister’s jealousy and hatred caused me a lot of pain. Yet, I’ll always miss her. God helped me to accept the unacceptable. Angie chose to die. I choose to live.”

If you are depressed and contemplating suicide, there are a number of resources available as near as your telephone. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.

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