Grieving in a Different World: I Want to Kill Myself

By Dianne E. Butts:

When grieving a loved one, it can be easy to hate your new circumstances and even think, My world is so different, I want to kill myself.  Here’s hope.


Image: Classical Sunrise by Evgeni Dinev /

Image: Classical Sunrise by Evgeni Dinev /

In this series 10 Things I’ve Learned  About Grief” (from the book Dear AmericaI share my own story of loss and grief.  The ninth thing I learned (see the first eight here) about grief is this:

 #9: Your whole world is different, but that doesn’t mean you will be sad forever. 

We talked in Grief Lesson #8 about how grief can seem to go on forever. I mentioned that many people grieve for a full two years. I wish to clarify what I mean. I know a woman who lost her husband two and a half years ago. Recently I overheard her talking with a friend and she said that people tell her it will get better but she still misses him and she doesn’t expect it will ever get better.

I felt guilty thinking perhaps I was one of those people telling her it would get better.

The other woman said she had lost her husband over a decade ago, she still misses him terribly, and then she told my friend she was right: she will never get over it and it will never get better.

How sad!

When I say grief last for two years, I’m not saying at the end of two years you won’t grieve anymore or feel pain or miss your loved one! Have you ever hit your thumb with a hammer? Or done something else physically painful? With the kind of pain that takes your breath away? At least for a little while, you can’t speak. You can’t express anything but the pain. You can’t move, except to hold whatever hurts and hang on. We learn that if you hang in there, you’ll get your breath back. That’s what I’m talking about.

I’m not saying the pain goes away. I’m not suggesting you won’t miss him or her anymore. Your life has changed and it will never be the same again. But the pain will ease gradually, and after two years you should be able to breathe again. You should be functioning again. If you’re not, you need to seek out help.

Your grief will not last forever. After the death of her husband, I once heard a woman ask her friend, “Will I ever laugh again?”

Her friend wisely and immediately answered, “Yes. YES!

This article “Living Through Grief” on has some helpful information about the steps of grief that we normally experience. It also lists three steps to recovery: Grieve, Believe, and Receive. The article offers “Scriptures that can bring hope, strength and peace” and tips for “Helping Others Through Grief.”

Don’t let thoughts linger in your mind that make you think terrible thoughts like I want to kill myself. Don’t give up. Hang in there. It does get easier.

Video: Listen to this beautiful, hope-filled song performed by Lynda Randle: “I’m Free.”

May you find freedom from your grief.

Read other articles on this site by Dianne E. Butts HERE.


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If depressed and suicidal, get help by dialing the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline. IF IN IMMEDIATE DANGER of harming yourself or someone else, please call 911.1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or (in Spanish)
1-877-SUICIDA (1-877-784-2432).
Our blog, Thinking About Suicide, offers personal stories and prayers from those who have overcome the urge to commit suicide or lost someone to suicide. We also list resources related to depression, bullying, cutting and other mental health related topics or news.
Use our SEARCH box at the top of the page to find articles on specific topics. Our authors hope to encourage you and remind you that others in situations like yours have found hope and help. We hope and pray you do too. However, we also encourage you to get local help if you are suicidal: call a counselor or the suicide prevention hotline to connect personally with someone who can help you.


  1. Dying is the only relief. When God destroys your family and when you ask for help you only get dead silence. You will never laugh or smile again. The pain and suffering grow more everyday, and my husband would want me with him than to live a punishment that God did to us even when we did nothing ever to deserve it. It never gets easier. I have learned how cruel and vile God really is. How if your not one of his “pets” how He enjoys and delight in our pain and suffering. I will never forgive Him for murdering my husband and destroying my family. There is no reason which He can explain away for what He does to thousands of family everyday.

    • Thinking About Suicide says:

      Susan! Just know that we hear and feel your pain and are so sorry for your losses. I know that when I went through my season of devestation that it seemed that God had turned his back on me. But now, 25 years later, I can see he was with me even when I was angry at him. I too considered suicide during this season – angry that God had cut me off from his love and from hearing my prayers. But now I can see he heard my prayers and was answering them — not in ways I expected or even recognized. But he was there.
      I know you are angry at God, but I want you to know that he is there with you too. I would encourage you to live, but to live into a new prayer for your life:

      Consider praying:

      God, it seems you are against me, and I have to admit that I’ve been very angry at you for all that I lost. I know you could have intervened and you didn’t, so it’s hard for me to think you care what happens to me now.
      But I’m willing to give you a chance. I’m willing to see if you can “Take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it into good.”
      Show me how to live into this Scripture.
      However, Lord, I am so filled with anger that suicide seems like a good way to stop the pain.
      So I ask that you give me a different solution — the solution to give my pain to you. In fact Lord, I dump all my pain at you, pain I have because of you, because of what you allowed to happen to my family — into your lap.

      I also come against the evil spirit of truama and I say I cancel your assignement against me in the power and authority of the name and the blood of Jesus and I tell you to leave.
      Now Lord I ask that you heal my pain and replace it with your peace.
      I choose to yield my pain to your peace that passes understanding.
      I choose to trust you with my life — I mean, why not? You are the only one I can turn to, so I’m turning to you – though the sacrifice of Jesus Christ – who died so I wouldn’t have to.
      In Jesus’s name.

      Please, pray this prayer for 40 days, then please write back and let us know how you are doing.

  2. Hello Susan. Thank you for stopping by to read and for taking the time to write us. I want to urge you to re-think what you think of God. Satan comes only to steal and kill and destroy; God in Jesus came that we may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).

    When people attribute to God the evil Satan does they are on dangerous ground. I recognized that you probably don’t care about that at this point, but I care and don’t want you in that dangerous spot.

    You said that God did to you and your family what you did nothing to deserve. The truth is, God does good to us that we don’t deserve. This is both grace and mercy:

    Grace is God giving us what we do not deserve (life, because sin deserves death and we all sin).
    Mercy is just the opposite: God NOT giving us what we DO deserve (death).

    “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).

    Know that we’re praying for you, that we care, and that we want you to discover how much God loves you. You are one of His pets and He loves you.


  3. Hello, I said your pray everyday for 40 days sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.
    I also prayed the prayers in a bood by Linda Evans Shepherd for When you need a miracle because I really need one. I begged God to prove me wrong. But he has broken my heart again and I just can”t take the pain anymore
    Actions speak louder than words and His non-action proves to me that he wants me in pain. I didn’t ask for love, family or happiness because I had that and He told me I don’t deserve it because otherwise He wouldn’t have taken it away. I just can’t take the pain, suffering, sorrow and unspeakable unhappiness anymore. The only choice I have now is to go with the one who I know loves me, wants me with him and have never disappointed me or broke my heart. I thank you for trying to help, but when God doesn’t love you and all hope is gone, you have to stop the pain.

    • says:

      Susan, I just want you to know we are praying for you. Please too take a look at many of the different causes for depression and approaches for dealing with depression. You may be struggling with something physical or nutritional that is contributing to your depression, so we urge you to see not only a counselor but also a medical physician.

      Also, sometimes we suffer great losses, and it seems the pain will never go away, but God can indeed heal. One of our writers, Janet Perez Eckles, not only became blind but her son was murdered, yet she found hope to go on. (You can see her articles here.)

      We live in a sinful, fallen world that often causes us suffering and pain. I don’t believe losses ever occur because God thinks we don’t deserve good in our lives. I believe it pains him terribly when people make wrong choices, when people are hurt by others, or when sickness or accidents strike. But he can bring eventual good and healing from even the most terrible situations. When I have had loved ones die, it has been terribly painful, yet it has sensitized me to the hurt in others so I can offer comfort to them. To me that is the good the finally came from it, although of course it doesn’t make the loss of my loved ones a good thing. See the difference?

      God does love you, and there are ways you can stop the pain other than taking your own life. Choose life.


      • Hi Susan,
        I am so sorry to hear that things have continued to be so rough for you. And it could be that you are in a season of life that’s painful. But that doesn’t mean that your life will always be painful. I too have gone through very difficult seasons — like when my then baby daughter was hurt in a car accident and was in a coma for a year. It seemed as though my prayers just hit the ceiling and though I told everyone that I believe God could help make my daughter better, it seemed she stayed the same. But that was over 20 years ago. Now when I look back at that time, I can see that God was moving. My daughter did wake up from coma. My life did get better.
        I would like to encourage you to not take your life, to wait and see what God can do with your situation and you pain.
        Please do not sacrifice yourself to the evil one. It may seem as though he loves you. But he only wants to multiply your pain.
        Sometimes, when we are in a painful season, we just can’t give God a deadline and say, do it my way or I will punish you by taking my life.
        God is waiting on you to wait on him, to trust him. To know that even when it doesn’t seem like it, he is moving.
        If you are not sure if you have a relationship with God, go to: and take the test there, and it will guide you to pray what you need to pray. Next, go to my website: — and click on the ;Pray Request’ tab on the upper black bar. There you will be able to pray some additional prayers that may help.
        Praying for you my friend. Let us know how you are doing.

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